Taco Bell is great if you’re on a lean budget. Gorditas on Monday, Mexican pizza on Tuesday.…etc
After announcing a separation, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt may not have each other anymore — and to make matters worse, they may not have any money, either! “They are completely broke,” an insider tells In Touch, noting that their dwindling popularity is to blame. “Their income has dropped — but their spending habits have not,” explains the insider. And they buy things for no reason whatsoever. “Heidi has never met a designer bag that she didn’t have to have,” says a source. “And Spencer spends all of his money on gadgets, including professional night vision equipment and telescopes.” Because of their irresponsible spending habits, Spencer, who made about $65,000 per episode on The Hills, and Heidi, who raked in a cool $100,000 per episode, are now reportedly living on credit until they find new ways to make money. So how did Heidi and Spencer squander a fortune?
$2 Million On Heidi’s Music
“Within the first week, we will definitely make our money back,” said Heidi. Sadly, they didn’t.
$30,000 To Her Family
Heidi’s pal Paul “Cougar” Zank says she helped her mom pay her mortgage so she didn’t lose her house.
$500,000 On Crystals
Spencer admits his obsession with crystals left him with $203 in his bank account.
$500,000 On Cars
Over the years, Spencer and Heidi have bought a Porsche, a Rolls-Royce and a vintage Camaro.
$400,000 On Protection
Aside from the guns he bought, Spencer hired ex- Marines to be bodyguards for the couple.
If all else fails they can continue their lucrative career staging photo-ops like this.
Did you ever want to see a ranking of all their cheesy photo ops? Well, fuck you cause here it is anyway.
10. Speidi does Halloween
How can a couple adequately convey the depth of their love on Halloween? If you’re Speidi, you go to a pumpkin patch and make out in front of unsuspecting patrons and their children. Bonus points for mock pumpkin-breasts. I’m sure parents at the patch were delighted.
9. Speidi Does Easter
The holiday which commemorates the resurrection of Jesus Christ provided yet another perfect avenue for Speidi to demonstrate their undying affection for one another. The couple gamely wore bunny ears as they frolicked in a park. Bonus points for kidnapping someone’s child for the photo-op.
8. Valentine’s Day
In a clearly spontaneous display of affection, Speidi covered every Valentine’s Day cliche—roses, champagne, strawberries..etc. Note the shoe turned carefully towards the camera so we can see that Heidi was gifted with Jimmy Choos. Bonus points for being on a motherfucking boat!
7. Speidi goes to the Jungle
Speidi were just announced as participants on the show I’m a Celebrity Get me out of here which would take place in the jungles of Costa Rica. Not content to allow the NBC marketing department to do its job, Speidi took matters into their own hands to ensure all eyes would be on them when the show premiered. The result was this faux jungle shoot where they tormented snakes, scorpions and lizards for comedic effect.
6. Speidi covers Mother’s Day
What better way to show an appreciation for Mother’s Day than to haul your mom out in front of cameras then hand her roses whilst displaying a Mother’s Day card large enough to be read by Stevie Wonder?
5. Speidi covers the economic crises
Speidi had already presented photographic evidence that they loved each other through holidays like Easter, Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Kwanzaa, and Yom Kippur. That wasn’t enough though. They needed people to know that their love for one another persisted through such mundane things like grocery shopping. They also wanted to show their empathy for the current economic crises. In order to kill two birds with one stone, they headed to their local 99 cent store where Heidi (with $2000 python bag in tow) and Spencer frolicked in the aisles and loaded up on bargains.
4. Speidi does the Swine Flu epidemic
It was the height of the swine Flu epidemic. Everyone was in a state of panic. Warnings were issued about travel to Mexico where many swine flu deaths were already on record. Undeterred, Speidi saw an opportunity to divert attention from a worldwide health crisis onto themselves. They traveled straight to Cabo with a Pacific Coast News photographer in tow and donned face masks on the beach then returned to LAX with face masks intact to bask in the media spotlight and detail their harrowing brush with death.
3. Speidi covers politics
During the peak of the presidential election coverage, Speidi decided to weigh in with their support of the McCain/Palin ticket. Encouraged by the publicity they got—including a shout out from McCain himself—the pair decided to go all out in their support of the Republican agenda. How best to convey their “real” American values than to head out on a stroll wearing Palin t-shirts while carrying a six-pack and a gun. Bonus points for their ironic ode to the economic downturn-- Spencer’s book is titled “How you can profit from a monetary Crisis.”
2) Heidi’s break-up photo-op.
The most recent photo-op was intended to convey Heidi’s sadness about her fake break-up with Spencer. Instead it appears to be the opening act in a porno. One imagines that after Jenn Bunney “consoles” her, they will proceed to a dimly lit, poorly decorated room with stained carpets and partially opened drapes which reveal children outside playing street hockey. There, on a waterbed with leopard sheets Heidi will be further “consoled” by Jenn sans clothing.
1) Heidi is devastated you don’t like her music
This was hands down their best work. Heidi had just leaked some of her shitty music. The reviews were scathing. She was devastated and needed to convey her feelings somehow. Heidi took to the sidewalk in a gold pleather jacket with cd in hand. After breaking out her best fake tears along with a random chair, a legendary photoshoot was born.
What do you think ONTD? Do you agree with the rankings or should another one of their photographic masterpieces have made the list?
EDITED to add ONTD's Choice:
Honorable mention: Mountain Man Spencer. Apparently distraught over his fake separation from Heidi, Spencer has gone full Unibomber running wild through the Hollywood Hills.
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